Saturday, April 30, 2005 Story

Sheffield Manages To Restrain Himself Against Brute Who Grazed His Hat
BOSTON—Gary Sheffield, right fielder for the New York Yankees, was praised by major league baseball for restraining himself against the crazed brute who lightly grazed his cap in a game against the Red Sox last week. Sheffield was chasing a ball into the corner of Fenway Park when the dangerous psychopath made a negligible amount of contact with him. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed.
“I was just going for the ball and all of a sudden I felt this slight, extremely faint contact with the bill of my cap,” said a visibly shaken Sheffield after the game. “Everything happened so fast, I was actually in fear for my life. Luckily I’m a reasonable man and I kept my composure. Aren't I awesome? I deserve a lot of credit.” Police may also bring charges against the fan in an attempt to dissuade any other would be cap-grazers from terrorizing players.

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