The tennis season has begun, but the only Americans who know this are the ones who come home drunk at two in the morning hoping to get some scores on ESPN, but instead get to see some tennis. Here's what I've learned from the first week of the Australian Open:
- Hingis is back, but I have read no report of her Hingissing a set yet.
- Unfortunately, Kournikova is not back. Patriotsy2k won't let her out.
- Serena Williams lost. Looks like she might be wasting some years of her prime. As John McEnroe would say, "that's very Agassiesque of her."
- Roddick lost. America needs another "next great American tennis player."
- Roddick may be dating Sharapova, so at least he's won something.
- However, Roddick will probably lose Sharapova to Federer. He loses everything else to Federer.
- My prediction: Australian Open Championship goes to Federer and woman whose last name ends with "ova."
Hingissing -- to lose a set on purpose to rest up for the next one
Agassiesque -- an adjective invented by John McEnroe to describe an amazing shot