Thursday, November 03, 2005

I figured it out!

John Henry is an undercover agent working for the Yankees.

He used to be a part owner of the Yankees and when the Sox went on sale a few years ago he and Steinbrenner devised a plan at Henry's house in Boca Raton (right next door to Patriotsy2k, by the way). Steinbrenner was worried a competent owner would help the Sox finally surpass the Yanks, so he told Henry to buy the team to make sure the Sox don't improve too much.

At first things were looking good for George. Henry hired an inexperienced kid to be the general manager and a hick to manage the team. George must have been giddy as he watched Epstein trade for BK Kim and sign Jeremy "the wrong" Giambi and Ramiro "the embedded Yankee" Mendoza. George and Henry must have drank Champaign as they watched the hick leave Pedro in too long.

Nonetheless, like much of Steinbrenner's recent actions, his plan didn't work out. Theo surprisingly turned out to be a good general manager and the Red Sox team doctor miraculously helped Schilling pitch through the playoffs (maybe Henry caused the injury). The plan backfired and the Sox won the World Series.

So what does John Henry do? First he fires the doctor who helped Schilling. Then he bribes Dale Svuem into sending all slow base runners home from second even if it's just a ground ball to the pitcher. Next, he bribes Mark Bellhorn, offering $100,000 per strike out. Finally, he gives Kevin Millar compromising pictures of Terry Francona, so Millar can get into the lineup everyday.

Now there's his two recent moves: letting Theo go(rumor has it they'll replace him with Ashton Kutcher) and trying to trade their best hitter Manny for two overpaid players who don't equal Manny's production combined.

Next up, the Sox will trade David Ortiz for Jason Giambi's and Gary Sheffield's used syringes.

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